Oversharing with the Overbys
Welcome to Oversharing with The Overbys! In this podcast series, Jo and Matt Overby cover a wide variety of topics—from parenting lessons, life stories, to personal relationships. Take an inside look on the lives of Jo and Matt as they navigate the adventures of adulthood and overshare online.
Episodes available monthly with a weekly option available via Patreon if you're looking for more!
Oversharing with the Overbys
Instagram Has Hidden My Messages, But Not My Parenting Wisdom
We explore the reality of welcoming our third child into the family and adjusting to life as a family of five!
• Reflecting on Jo's Instagram message frustrations, with hidden requests causing missed connections
• Discussing the 41-week induction and lightning-fast delivery experience
• Addressing how to manage resentment between partners during the intense newborn days
• Sharing insights on postpartum anxiety versus depression and different treatment approaches
• Explaining our experience using doulas and the value they can provide during birth
• Tackling the guilt some parents feel about not giving older children enough attention
• Offering practical advice on setting boundaries with excited family members after birth
• Providing thoughts on hospital bag essentials that actually matter
• Discussing how communities can genuinely support new parents beyond just holding the baby
If you're enjoying these conversations, consider joining us on a weekly basis!\
If you've got a voicemail or want our (likely unqualified) advice on something, hit us up at the Speakpipe link below!
http://www.speakpipe.com/oversharingwiththeoverbys
If you'd like to email us you can reach the pod at oversharing@jojohnsonoverby.com!
And if you want to support the podcast and gain access to all episodes, check out https://www.patreon.com/oversharing!
CONNECT:
TikTok: @jojohnsonoverby / @matt.overby
Instagram: @jojohnsonoverby / @matt.overby
Website: https://jojohnsonoverby.com/
Watch the Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL29Si0ylWz2qj5t6hYHSCxYkvZCDGejGq
Welcome to Oversharing with Overbees. I'm Jo. And I'm Matt, and each week you can tune in to hear us respond to your voicemails, go in-depth on our lives as content creators and hopefully leave you feeling even better than we found you.
Speaker 2:With that being said, let's get to Oversharing.
Speaker 1:Hello, hello. You know something that really annoys me about Instagram.
Speaker 2:No, I mean I'm sure there's plenty of things.
Speaker 1:This is a creator thing. A behind a look behind the curtain. Uh, the way that the messages I don't know how messages are not on a business profile or like on a creator profile. It's not business, I don't. I call it a business profile. From when? I was doing photography, professional profile or whatever it is, whatever it is, but it breaks it up into primary messages, general messages, message requests and then under message requests you have hidden requests.
Speaker 2:And there is not a great rhyme or reason on what goes to hidden.
Speaker 1:Well, I I.
Speaker 2:It filters a lot of spam. It filters a lot of spam. It filters a lot of spam it does. It filters a lot of real people too.
Speaker 1:I get tons of spam messages about porn and crazy stuff, the obvious stuff. Yes, all kinds of AI it has 532 people on the group.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, there's lots of stuff like that. But then the weird part about it is I don't really mind that stuff goes to requests or hidden, as long as I can tell they're real people. But there's been some kind of glitch with Instagram for months now to where it's not loading my hidden messages, oh, like, and then every once in a while it'll refresh and pop up like 10 messages under hidden at once. Like it says I have thousands, but it'll only show me 10 of them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I feel like that has to be like the volume of hidden messages you have.
Speaker 1:But I don't know Like to me. I feel like I can't.
Speaker 2:It's way worse, but I'm sure lots of people Is it that way, even on desktop?
Speaker 1:I think there's a dog stuck in our bathroom.
Speaker 2:There's not.
Speaker 1:Oh.
Speaker 2:They're over on the addition side barking.
Speaker 1:At the rain. I get it sometimes. I want to bark at the rain.
Speaker 2:Bark at the rain. Has it rained like the last three podcasts we've done? Yeah, we've had really beautiful weather but we had 15 inches of rain in april. I know that's because our neighbor, who is like their earth, science, like people yeah, he was an. He's a retired ag professor and she was a soil scientist. Yeah, they literally is a soil they picked where they built their house, based on soil maps like that. Is they really know what's?
Speaker 1:purchased their house got it.
Speaker 2:Okay, I thought they built it for some reason, I don't know why? Yeah, that's fine regardless, it doesn't really matter they were like we want a big garden and we don't want to have to bring in a bunch of soil, so we're gonna get the best soil in town yeah and we're neighbors with the best soil in town yeah, we just locked into it. It's actually it's pretty good soil.
Speaker 1:It's for arkansas fantastic soil for where, yeah, we live in the united states because we live in a very rocky area with a ton of clay not as rocky as where we grew up, but pretty darn rocky, but we're only two hours from where we grew up, so still pretty rocky. Yeah, but it is a little better than where we grew up when we grew up is brutal.
Speaker 2:Branson, Missouri. I don't know if you have any reason. It's apparently people know it. Branson yeah, yeah, people know Branson, people know it more than you would think they would know it, but we grew up so close to it we just assumed it was like a little regional deal Also like Bass Pro Shops.
Speaker 1:You heard of her.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, anyway.
Speaker 1:O'Reilly Auto Parts. You heard of her.
Speaker 2:I brought up Branson because to drive to Branson the roads are up and down hilly. But they're only as hilly as they are because they have blown holes in rock to get the roads where they are.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like I remember as they expanded roads.
Speaker 2:They were blasting rock walls to get more room for the road.
Speaker 1:That's what I was about to say is, if you come up on them doing road work anywhere along um between where we grew up and where we live now really, if you drive through there at any time they're doing major road work you have to be careful for rock slides because they're not like they're going to come at your car. That's not what I mean like there's signs up like there's signs up like you need to come to a stop because they're running dynamite loose rock.
Speaker 1:Yeah they're blowing down rock in order to expand the roads?
Speaker 2:yeah, they have people they're like watching and stuff, but it's like, hey, just a heads up, we are blowing this rock apart so that we can put a road here yeah, it doesn't feel like eminent danger or anything like that, but it is.
Speaker 1:I have gotten to see it once. Have you gotten to see them ever dynamite it?
Speaker 2:I've been around. When they were doing it I was like I was driving, driving. I wasn't really able to, okay, so I was stopped like they.
Speaker 1:They stopped us in order to yeah like dynamite and have it go in front of they were doing. They were doing like a road off of the road, oh no, this was like over the highway and then they cleared it Like there was a whole system. It took.
Speaker 2:I don't know. Oh, they like blow up the rock and it lands on the road, and then they have to get off the road, and then they clear it and then they let traffic through.
Speaker 1:It's crazy.
Speaker 2:It's a whole deal that we have gotten over 15 inches of rain in April and our average is five inches.
Speaker 1:Well, I think May is going to throw down too, with this being the start of the month, it's a hot start. Yeah, we have multiple days of rain coming. I don't know, it's been nice. I feel like everything is nice and green and we have actual flow in our creek. I don't know, it's nice to see.
Speaker 2:As long as we don't get like a crazy random may cold snap, it should be should be good for the plants we've had some crazy dry years and so summer could still be.
Speaker 1:We could get 15 inches in may and 15 inches in april and zero inches in june and july and august that is true, but but I would say that in general, we'll be in better shape if we get 30 inches of rain in.
Speaker 2:March and April, at least the lakes and the rivers and stuff will be up for a while.
Speaker 1:That's what I mean, yeah.
Speaker 2:Hopefully refill the reservoirs a little bit.
Speaker 1:Exactly, but anyway.
Speaker 2:That was random rain. Plant nature talk.
Speaker 1:Well, it's just it has. It's been raining every time. We've recorded for weeks and weeks now.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I don't know. That's just. That's just what it is Just coincidence? It is April showers, although now I'm expecting May flowers.
Speaker 2:Yeah, We've got May flowers. I mean we've got flowers going.
Speaker 1:We've got May milkweed got may milkweed.
Speaker 2:The hibiscus, that's not no honeysuckle, honeysuckle not the same. We're not growing hibiscus is hibiscus tropical?
Speaker 1:yeah, that's what I thought when you just said hibiscus, I was like, oh, I have no idea where he's going?
Speaker 2:what is matt growing and where is he growing hibiscus? Like with what you don't go in the office a lot. I've got a whole rig in there.
Speaker 1:It's a small greenhouse yeah, he has a grow well, our, our again, our neighbors who we're talking about a lot today yeah, they have a like in their front window year round.
Speaker 2:It's not actually year round, but what's that terrible purple light over there?
Speaker 1:yeah, because they've got a grow light going. Yeah, they have all their seedlings going, yeah, uh that's true.
Speaker 2:They start them early so they can plant them in the the spring and they've got a whole system.
Speaker 1:They're uh well, they plant, like they stagger, and plant every few weeks so that they can be like. I plant a couple plants and then I'm like, well, that's what I got for the year we'll see how they do I shouldn't say that that's just what I've done. I'd like to stagger and like plant that way, yeah, but I've not been available to do that.
Speaker 2:I mean, we keep having kids he ran into me when I was working on the butterfly garden because I'm like I gotta do it now or it's gonna be terrible yeah and he was like, yeah, you got kids. Like this is the best our house has ever looked and we're, you know our neighbors have been so kind to us.
Speaker 1:I go back to to that. I have parents that are very um they take pride in their neighborhood. Yeah, they're very particular, my dad's very particular, and I remember growing up anytime something at somebody else's house like that wouldn't look quite right or they weren't maintaining it.
Speaker 1:There would just be like a comment made or whatever, and I didn't realize that that had internalized in me at all until we purchased this house. Because at our last neighborhood our landscaping was minimal. We took care of the lawn and the landscaping was very, very minimal. And then we purchased this house and we I knew we had neighbors who were more educated about landscaping, who do a lot more work on their landscaping visually clearly took it seriously take it very seriously.
Speaker 2:You can look out the windows and the doors and you're like, oh, they're for real about this.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, they spend all kinds of time outdoors and and they really enjoy it, they're passionate about it. Um well, and what we didn't? Know, they all do it themselves well, that's what I was going to say is, when we moved in, we did not know that all of our neighbors do all of their landscaping themselves, and I feel like.
Speaker 2:That maybe made me feel a little better. Well, they know how much work it is. For sure, they definitely don't just hire it out. And they're like this is how the house looks, because I expected to look this way. They're like no, it's a buttload of work.
Speaker 1:And you have little kids and you don't have time to do this work. Well, that's the part I was going to reflect on. I moved in and I was very anxious because we have been. We have massive flower beds. We've talked about this on the podcast a couple of times. Like I mean massive, we have thousands of square feet.
Speaker 2:We probably have 1,500 square feet at least.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And that's on the low end, like that's the small end.
Speaker 1:That's what we're managing right now but think about including the back, where we added the back, and then out here in front of well, I'm thinking that's probably 900 yeah, what do you think out in front of the house on either side of the porch? I bet that's.
Speaker 2:I guess that's about it.
Speaker 1:I bet that's another thousand right, that's what I mean, and then we have out back because it's 10 feet deep and at least 80 feet wide right like it's yeah, so much.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, it's a lot it's a lot.
Speaker 1:Well then, I have my uh raised bed.
Speaker 1:That's the milkweed bed right now yep like, and then I have my actual garden bags like there's a and that doesn't count the stuff along the fence that we've let go no the other stuff, like there are small areas all around that could be and we took out tons of landscaping not out of like it wasn't good, just we knew we couldn't um plus when we renovated the house they had to like bring heavy equipment in through the yard so it tore up a bunch of the grass like it was just dirt around our house.
Speaker 2:It was a.
Speaker 1:It was a landscaping nightmare yeah, it still is a landscaping nightmare, but we are improving. But anyway, thousands of uh square feet of garden bed that we are trying to maintain, just us just not maintain like as in please don't make this look bad yes our butterfly garden is like a neighborhood.
Speaker 2:People walk around and like it's a.
Speaker 1:They bring their kids. It's like a mini tourist attraction.
Speaker 2:Yes, and we're like we can't let this be terrible.
Speaker 1:And we have the back half of it is.
Speaker 2:We've tried, we've really worked.
Speaker 1:So anyway we don't need to talk about this on here.
Speaker 2:We're going to do 35 minutes on.
Speaker 1:I have to say our neighbors are full of so much grace and are so kind and they have all pulled us aside at one point or another and been like we're so proud of everything that you've done, like it looks so good. You guys have had these little kids and the fact that you've done is like they are just the best.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they're awesome.
Speaker 1:Our neighbors are like so encouraging and just I mean. I feel really blessed because I feel like that is not the community everybody has.
Speaker 2:No, sometimes, sometimes the neighbors can be a little more choosy, is the kindest way to probably to put that. But particular yes. And ours are particular about their own, but very kind about our less than particular property.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but it's coming together and what I was going to get at, what I was going to give as my weekly update, is Matt helped me. I never posted the video. We filmed it. I was almost 41 weeks pregnant and Matt did all the work while I stood there. 41 weeks pregnant oh yeah, planting all of my starters into the flower bed in the front that Matt had killed off.
Speaker 2:Well, for some the phone also died, so it's not much of a video, I don't think.
Speaker 1:I actually I don't know. I never went back through the footage. Yeah, I just didn't get to it. But anyway, all I'm getting at is Matt had done all this work to kill off everything in this bed, and he did.
Speaker 2:he killed off most of what was in there we bought a bunch of topsoil because we thought we were gonna have to redo the dirt in there yeah, like after I killed everything off like I covered up with plastic is what I did and let the heat like cook everything in there, basically and it did.
Speaker 1:There's nothing.
Speaker 2:It's been one of the more effective ways I've found to get rid of lots of growth because we've had to do that a lot here. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And we're trying to like minimally use any kind of chemical or weed suppressant things like that.
Speaker 2:Especially with the butterfly garden. If you use a bunch of like really harsh stuff, it can really mess with that ecosystem.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're trying to like lean into native plants and all that. Anyway, we got all my plants planted. My stem cut flowers are starting to grow, they look so good. And we got back from the hospital a couple of weeks ago and I was like, is that milkweed growing in my stem cut garden? And Matt was like, yeah, I think those are little milkweed. There were like what? Three of them and Matt was like, yeah, I think those are little milkweed.
Speaker 2:There were like what?
Speaker 1:three of them.
Speaker 2:There were just a few Half dozen at most. Yeah, like teeny ones.
Speaker 1:I came out to really look because I need to go ahead and clip a lot of my stem cut flowers so that they'll branch and grow, and I went out there to look and see if they were ready for me to do that. How much milkweed do you think is out there now?
Speaker 2:35 milkweed, at least Sturdy solid milkweed, my whole bed.
Speaker 1:My flowers are surviving it. They're in there too, yeah.
Speaker 2:It looks like we took a pack of milkweed seeds and just spread them all throughout.
Speaker 1:And I'm sure that that's what happened?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's how it grows, I guess.
Speaker 1:Well not from a pack, but there was milkweed in there last year. Anyway, now I have a stem cut garden plus 35 milkweed.
Speaker 2:Yes, just scattered like around One growing next to it. That's like the biggest one. I feel like I need to try and move it.
Speaker 1:They don't move well.
Speaker 2:I tried to do that last year. We did, but they don't move.
Speaker 1:well, I tried to do that.
Speaker 2:Last year we did, but they don't transplant well, and so I'm just not even messing with it. You kept a couple of them alive, and I think that's what's allowed it to reseed over there, yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm going to collect seeds. This year it's the game plan. I'm going to collect seeds from our and thankfully we didn't plant anything perennial in the bed and this next year I'm gonna order a uh like fitted sheet style plastic to go over that bed. Oh okay, that will go all the way out and around the stone to kill it. Oh, okay, cool because that's what that is. What has happened is the majority of the milkweed is along the edges and so, um, anyway, you guys probably didn't want that in depth, but that was my weekly update.
Speaker 1:Do you have?
Speaker 2:anything. Weekly update. Um, you know I was working outside my back hurts, did a lot of moving mulch, need to move a lot more mulch. So not like injured, hurt just like. Wow, haven't operated a shovel and a rake that long for a while and it hurts. Sore Hurt sounds like I injured, it's just like oh, you used some muscles you haven't used in a minute.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you just did some actual labor.
Speaker 2:You overworked your back.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. A couple weeks ago, matt really thought that he had injured him. Well, no, you thought your kidneys were failing or something.
Speaker 2:I was worried my kidneys were failing. I was like I got to drink some more water.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he was like I've been drinking too much caffeine, my kidneys are hurting. And then he went out to work in the yard to finish up something and he realized it was from the wheelbarrow.
Speaker 2:No, it was just my low back. I'm just getting old Just letting myself go. My low back is falling apart on me.
Speaker 1:Today we have a little Q&A moment.
Speaker 2:Yeah, going. We're going to talk postpartum, we're going to talk birth. This is our first big podcast since the the new edition. Yeah, the little baby, little baby kessler little baby little baby kessler little baby kessler yep, uh little boy yeah family of five.
Speaker 2:The number of times, guys, in the last couple weeks I've sat down and like it was about a week ago and I've told this story so many times, but like we all sat down on the couch and I looked over and then there was like us and three kids, and I was, like we have three kids, like this is our family, like this whole family lives here. What is happening?
Speaker 1:just a little bit of like the funniest moment to me is when you were. We were all sitting on the couch. All five of us were on the couch and you looked over and you're like these are all. You go, hey babe. And I looked over and you go these are all ours. I was like yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was wild.
Speaker 1:I'm acutely aware.
Speaker 2:It's crazy.
Speaker 1:I have the stretch marks to prove it. I think it has to be crazier for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't have as intimate of a connection with them when they're born. Right, like I haven't felt them for months.
Speaker 1:Right, exactly. It hasn't altered your body, it hasn't, you know.
Speaker 2:No no.
Speaker 1:You were looking for something to say. I felt that I didn't say your body hasn't altered.
Speaker 2:That's a personal thing. It has nothing to do with the children directly Correct. Yeah, it's a personal thing. It has nothing to do with the children directly Correct.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the way I saw the wheels in your head turning.
Speaker 2:It's like looking for a joke looking for a joke. We'll pass this joke, it's all right. I've been making some self-deprecating jokes lately.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Surrounding my lack of physical activity and how it's affected me, uh, physically anyway, we're talking baby, talking post baby, we're I asked family for questions from the people people, the people's questions
Speaker 1:and so I'm. I wanted to give a quick refresh rundown on birth. Um, I'm just gonna like give some quick facts. We did a full birth story for Patreon, if you want to go over there and listen to that um and be a member over there. I also have plans to record birth story for social, so that'll be somewhere there eventually as well. But, um, quick rundown another 41 week induction. Uh, induction went great. Everything was smooth, very, very quick, very quick this time. Um, uh, I went from a I stated a three for a really long time, went from a three to an eight very rapidly and then went from an eight to a 10, you know, even more rapidly than the three to the eight. And we ended up in our room with no medical staff, not by anybody's fault or anything like that Like it wasn't a bad situation at all, uh, but really holding the baby in, and I don't, um, I raise the alarm. Well, I'm always like no, it's fine, just everybody, yeah, do things on their schedule.
Speaker 2:no, but no pressure, no stress you're not a squeaky wheel, so you don't get the grease yeah, and that was definitely a moment.
Speaker 1:I probably matt even asked he's like I can walk out and like ask him and tell them and I was like no, it was fairly serious.
Speaker 2:Just from like you taking it, from you taking it serious, it all tells me that it's like pretty real like for other people, they would be losing it yeah, yeah. There would be some people very concerned and like very actively advocating, like hey, get me a doctor here now because we're gonna pop this baby out.
Speaker 1:You're like it's okay I'm okay, I'm actually feeling what was doing.
Speaker 2:That face was obviously over the top but you were like fighting for your life, and then you're like okay, I'm all right now. And you're doing that like every two minutes. Yeah, every time a contraction hit, does that mean we're good? I feel like that means we need a doctor.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that that's definitely something I'm learning. This birth, this postpartum, is like I need to get better in tune of what is serious, because nothing about myself like I could get like crushed by something and I'd be like, oh no, I'll be fine, you guys just I'm missing this hand, but I have this hand over here and I'm ambidextrous, so it's totally cool yeah, finish your lunch. I don't want to like disrupt anything, it's on ice it it's going to be fine. Yeah, I could definitely improve that way it's not on purpose.
Speaker 2:The goal is to be courteous. The goal is to be respectful of everyone's time.
Speaker 1:I'm not upset with anybody, I really am not. I'm not trying to, I don't know. Anyway, it was a very weird birth mentally, because I went from that like fighting for my life to not have him to. Then when my nurse came in, they made everything happen and within a few minutes my doctor, my, the whole everybody was there, um, and I didn't even really hardly have to push, like he was just there. And so I mean the whole birth video, I think is like 12 seconds long. The video itself is 23 seconds, but I think he's like on my chest by 12 seconds.
Speaker 2:Oh, you can get the full birth experience. As we've joked many times, you could do it with the vine.
Speaker 1:Yeah, as we've joked many times, you could do it with the vine, yeah, and so, uh, quick birth, uh, great birth. Just mentally went from like trying to prevent having him with no medical staff there to him being there, and that really messed with me mentally.
Speaker 2:There was a big trend, like to be working to not have a baby and then that baby to be there like in minutes is I'm sure an experience.
Speaker 1:My brain didn't keep up with what was happening. I just kept being like what, what's, anyway, but it was all good. Worst postpartum cramping I've had. It does, in fact, get worse in my experience.
Speaker 2:Confirmed.
Speaker 1:I, I got the epidural.
Speaker 1:I don't know if I said that this time because I was getting induced and I told Matt I'm not going to do an induction again, no epidural. I would love to do spontaneous labor and give birth again unmedicated, but I just didn't want to do the Pitocin thing again without an epidural. One of the first questions and I thought this was a really good one that we can both talk on, and I've been asked this a lot recently on weekend chats. I was asked this multiple times Preventing or addressing resentment between each other in newborn days. Ooh, I'm going to start with I don't think there's preventing it.
Speaker 2:No, that's kind of where I was. I was mentally like I think it's just going to happen, like I think some of it is almost. I mean, the best job we did of it was when we had one kid and it was bottle feeding and so like it still wasn't even by any means, you were exclusively pumping, which was its own nightmare but that was the most, we could split the labor around food and some of the more routine tasks.
Speaker 1:Newborn just from a biological standpoint, from the research I have read and what I understand, uh, newborns are meant to be with mom, like not that they can't have a successful anything doing like there are other options. But, um, especially if you're nursing, especially like they have been in utero and mom for a long time, that's whose voice.
Speaker 1:They know that's who's sent, they know that's who, everything like there's a reason why when you hand a newborn to their mom, they calm down, they, you know. Like that's just part of it and that doesn't mean dad can't help, like we've done a lot of splitting of tasks, tasks, but there is just a lot of stuff mom does best.
Speaker 2:I don't know if that's like the wording, I like, but yeah um because I mean people have same-sex couples and they have single parent situations and like all kinds of stuff where, like, people do it a different way. But when you're talking about our situation, which is Right.
Speaker 1:You know, Like I'm not saying you can't do a good job doing it.
Speaker 2:No, another way, for sure, I just think that you know. And again, the best thing you can do as the partner is to step up wherever else you can. If you have other kids. This is your time to be doing a lot of that. That's you're going to be doing mealtime, and for us that's that's a big task in its own. Just, we both don't have the best relationship with food, so it's like making sure that you've eaten, it's like supporting you in doing the newborn stuff. That's that's the best you can do, I think.
Speaker 1:Yeah, um, I think the best way to minimize resentment is to make a plan beforehand. I think that always helps us a ton to have a plan for sure and stick to it. Um, and I think addressing it is keeping an honest line of communication open and being quick to forgive in this season because, like yeah it's.
Speaker 2:And keeping this like, hey, this is a temporary, this is a short period of time, whether it's weeks, months, whatever. It is like. This is a. This is a temporary period of time, whether it's weeks, months, whatever. It is like. This is a. This is a temporary period of time where things are hard, things are extreme, they're heightened. Physically, you're going through a lot. Hormonally, you're going through a lot, like there's just a ton going on and you've got this new person that lives with you, that can't communicate, that has all these needs, and it's just not an easy time and there's going to be resentment, there's going to be frustration, and so, if you haven't had your kid yet, like working on communicating those things out, if you have making sure that there's an outlet and just communicating, like I'm feeling resentment because of this and I don't know that there's something we can do to change it, but like this is what I'm experiencing and just having that dialogue.
Speaker 1:I agree.
Speaker 2:I mean we go to couples therapy and like we have talks like that. That's just part of it.
Speaker 1:And I am a. I don't feel like I've had it this time After Rory. I don't feel like I've had it this time After Rory. I had postpartum rage rage, rage. Not that I haven't been, uh, I've been emotionally like volatile this time Like. I have definitely had frustrations, but I would call it prickly, I wouldn't know it's not rage, I wouldn't even remotely compare it to how I was after Ro.
Speaker 2:For sure.
Speaker 1:Like after we had him I it was true anger. Oh, yeah, like I wanted Matt to get the F out of my house. Yeah, Like, not our house, it was my house and I wanted him out.
Speaker 2:You're usually a very measured response person.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and only in brief moments. I didn't feel like that in an extended period or anything like that.
Speaker 2:I don't feel like you were like holding it over me for periods of time, but your reaction to things would be like and it also like wasn't about like I can't remember about what was the no, I can't remember like anything I was angry about.
Speaker 1:That's why I'm saying it was very hormonal, yeah, and it was bananas. I've never felt anger like that.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And you handled it really well, but Matt didn't know what to do because he's like who is this person?
Speaker 2:in my house as the partner. You have to be like this isn't always about me, partner, you have to be like this isn't always about me, or you need to be having dialogues where, if it is about you, then, like, your partner can come to you and be like hey, this is what is happening and this is what my problem is well, and there's like no preparing for that, I feel like, because for me, like you can't practice your hormones, being crazy, like it is the most irrational, I don't know, it's crazy but just as a support person you have to be like okay, this is not a normal time for anyone.
Speaker 2:there is a lot going on, it is not centered around me, and so trying to just be aware of that and understand it's temporary, like it will pass, even if it sucks.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Okay. Somebody asked have you ever had or considered a doula? Or how does Matt do supporting?
Speaker 2:We have had a doula twice.
Speaker 1:Yep, I had a doula for both my first and my second birth because I went into both of those births planning to be unmedicated. First birth I was induced and successfully went unmedicated. Second time I was not progressing. They had broken my water and it had been what five or six hours of labor and I had not progressed at all. And I knew that it was my mindset. I was mentally stopping myself and the labor wasn't even that bad. I was handling everything really well. Yeah, especially coming from an unmedicated.
Speaker 2:The time before you were like no, this is all very manageable pain-wise. I just am not mentally in it.
Speaker 1:I wasn't mentally in it. And so I got the epidural. Loved our doula, she was great. But, uh, after the second birth. This time my second birth went so quickly and in my head I just felt like I was going to have another quick birth and it didn't feel, or if you got induced again, you were planning on going epidural, so there was less of a.
Speaker 2:Not that you could have a doula, for sure, like, I think, if it's your first time, your first time birth and like, even if that is your plan, that is a person that will come help you put together a birth plan. They will like help, advocate for you. They will inform you of all your options. Uh, at least a good one, I don't know like we've had a great experience with one person, and so I don't.
Speaker 2:I can't, I guess, speak so broadly, but in our experience it was someone that, like, knew what was going on, knew who to talk to, knew what your options were, knew how to help you make a plan, knew how to help you make a backup, like the first time. She was invaluable, like I was so glad she was there because it was just somebody who had, who is there with you. They aren't as a part of the hospital like we have. You have a great doctor and it's not, and you had great nurses that you knew personally, like and so it wasn't about that.
Speaker 2:Fortunate with super lucky experiences but it was still really great to have a person there that was like hey, hey, I'm here for you and like here's what we're going to do, and if Matt doesn't know what's going on, I'll step in. If you don't like, if you don't feel sure, like tap me in and I'll like help, and so that was awesome.
Speaker 1:Yeah, matt does a great job supporting I feel like I was really nervous my first birth.
Speaker 2:Yeah, has a great job supporting. I feel like I was really nervous.
Speaker 1:My first birth, yeah, not knowing how you were gonna do not from a support standpoint, like I knew that you'd do everything in your power but you don't like medical settings you've never liked medical settings. Now the second and third. I was not worried about you at all after how you were in the first um you handled it was a trial by fire, the first go around, yeah, so well, you just don't know.
Speaker 1:No, and I I was not worried about you going ew or anything like that. Yeah, uh, I was just more worried about what was out of your control. Is he gonna pass out? Is he because, like you, don't like blood, you don't like not that?
Speaker 2:yeah, it doesn't do it like it doesn't make me lightheaded and stuff. I just like I'm not comfortable around that setting. I don don't love a hospital. I don't like being in environments I don't know well. Yeah.
Speaker 1:You locked in, you were great.
Speaker 2:And so.
Speaker 1:I liked having the doula there that first time, though, because I knew that she was going to take care. I could focus on me, because that sounds so silly that I was thinking about you in any capacity like that during it, not from you asking me to, but you were like focusing on me helping you, right, and so, like, the doula was there, like, hey, do you need ice?
Speaker 2:Like talking to, like she would run interference on like anything you needed. Like, if you needed snacks, she's like, hey, they may or may not let you have a snack. You should have a snack. Yeah, like, I'm with you, we're going to take care of you.
Speaker 1:Right, okay, I have a lot of questions about this.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Like one, two, three. I'm scrolling and I see six times this has already been asked. Postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety have I experienced them? A lot of these are first time moms, um, and a lot of uh. Second time moms asking if I experienced with both. Uh, I feel like I've had postpartum anxiety with all three. Nothing's been as acute as the first time.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah, I think I mean that would have been the time it was least expected, really, Like I think that makes the most sense. For sure that it was the most catching you off guard I was really looking out for postpartum depression. Yes.
Speaker 1:Not anxiety, mm-hmm. And then what really threw me off guard was having postpartum, no Prenatal depression, yeah, uh when. I was pregnant with Ro. Yeah, that really threw me for a loop and I did not realize that that was what was going on.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, are there more?
Speaker 1:what the experience was like, how, how I handled it. I talked with my doctor. I got medicated the first time. I didn't find um meds to be very helpful. Personally, um, my best friend, who I have permission to say this um, also was experiencing postpartum anxiety and, uh, found getting medicated made a humongous difference for her. Um, I don't really know that I've ever experienced postpartum depression.
Speaker 2:No, I mean, it's really hard to you haven't had if, if it has, it's been in the same period as all the other heightened like I think everything's just heightened in that season For sure. I'm assuming it's much more about like as it goes months and months on. Yes, that like it continues.
Speaker 1:I don't even know that I've experienced baby blues in the way that a lot of my friends describe it and the way that a lot of my friends describe it. I've definitely had the hormone swings where I'm like.
Speaker 1:There's good days and bad days for sure Somebody asked would you say the epidural is worth it? Yeah, I mean, I have had great epidural experiences. I know some people who Only a handful Most people I know that have gotten epidural have had successful, wonderful epidural experiences. Um, yeah, I mean, I really enjoyed my unmedicated experience and I genuinely still feel like I would do it again in the right scenario, not probably induced just because there's no benefit to me doing it induced. The nice part about an induction is you're there, you know it's happening, you know where you are. I think part of why going unmedicated and having that experience was so important to me is one I wanted to know what it felt like and two women in my family give birth fast. Um, I'm one of the only my. My, my sister and I have both been induced for all of ours. But, like my mom went into spontaneous labor, my aunt, my grandmother, like most women in my family, go into spontaneous labor and it is like babies in cars and parking lots kind of labor.
Speaker 2:Yeah, as fast as this was. If you'd have gone on your own, there is no shot you would have gotten an epidural like oh, no shot on an epidural there's not a. There wouldn't have been a window to give you an epidural there's no shot. We would have made it to the hospital that would be a long shot yeah, we would have to be you'd have to be fighting to keep that baby in on the way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's the thing that Matt and I talked about afterward that we were glad we did the induction Because Matt would have been catching a baby, I think at home yeah. And.
Speaker 2:I was scared to do that in the hospital, yeah, Well, honestly, I feel like it's scarier in the hospital.
Speaker 1:I don't know why, just like the setting's more intimidating.
Speaker 2:You're like why?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2:I'm not ready to be called up to the hospital level. Exactly, yeah.
Speaker 1:When people talk about the epidural making a difference in their recovery, I can't speak to there being a difference in the recovery of like, my like. When people talk about doing more damage from like not being able to feel pushing things like that, uh, I did not have that experience, uh, personally. But both times I've had an epidural I've pushed for like one hardly at all and the other one 35 seconds, you know.
Speaker 1:And so, uh, I don't feel like maybe I'm the best candidate to talk about that this time. My, my second birth uh, our son had an extremely minor shoulder dystocia where he was stuck, which can be really really serious and bad. I cannot explain to you how low key this was, but the reason I bring it up is because afterward I did have a lot more swelling and like more discomfort, but I still didn't have any tearing that time either.
Speaker 1:And so I do feel both times. My biggest discomfort from the epidural is I can feel where my epidural site was and I did have tenderness and discomfort in my back where my epidural was placed. Nothing extreme To me for me to be able to really enjoy those first few moments post-birth, because with my first birth I did not. I was not mentally there those first moments after birth. I was not mentally there those first moments after birth because after I gave birth I was immediately having extreme pain. Yeah Well, I mean there are more contractions, but my contractions postpartum, after baby and placenta are delivered, are more painful than any part of the unmedicated birth. And it was the first time and the second time I got the epidural. And when that epidural wearied off those contractions were nightmarish. And this time it was even worse.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so it's hard for me to say cause I can feel my epidural site, but I'm pretty focused on that postpartum contraction like uterus shrinking back down. I mean that is the hardest part of birth for me, that's the scariest part to me and I'm really glad I already have my baby at that point, because that's the only thing that makes it uh doable, because it's horrendous, um, but yeah, I would say the epidural is worth it. Somebody asked did you do the five, five, five recovery? I did talk about it, I did plan to do it. Um, I did not I would.
Speaker 1:Five minutes, five hours, five days no, it's supposed to be five days, five days, five days. So if you're not familiar with the 555, I think this is something um that they do in other countries, but it's five days on the bed, five days near the bed, five days around on the bed, in the bed, on the bed in the bedroom, okay it's. It's in the bed, on the bed, around the bed okay so it's first five days.
Speaker 1:You don't get out of bed unless it's to you know. Use the restroom like your meals are brought to you. It is just you and baby and you bond with baby and you have no other responsibilities other than five days. You can read books, you can watch a show.
Speaker 2:Whatever you can do inside the bed.
Speaker 1:No, literally, like under the covers in the bed.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You are nursing your baby, you're spending time with your baby, nothing else. Then it's five days on the bed. I think I might not be doing that right, you can Google it, but it's basically every five days. It's like loosening your restrictions, so like you can get up a little bit more, you can do a little bit more. Last five days is, um, like light movement, you know just like in your room.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly. Um, you can look it up in more detail if you want. And I uh ended up. I just don't have the support to do it, Like I don't have the physical support to do it, Um, cause all I have is Matt and Matt's fantastic, and Matt is doing his best. But, um, and Matt is doing his best, but it's just not physically possible you on your own to do it, because there's nobody to take care of. If you're taking care of me, who's taking care of our toddlers?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And if you're taking care of the toddlers who would be bringing me food, like it's just, we don't yeah, it's, it's a lot which that is the issue with it in the united states for a lot of people who try it, a lot of women who have successfully done it. I talked to a lot of people beforehand. Um, either had hired help or they had their mom taking care of them and their partner taking care of the other kids. People asked how introducing baby went. With kids we don't do anything special. Everything went well.
Speaker 2:They were so excited.
Speaker 1:I really like at the root of that, as I don't want to get too much into it, because to me, like that's the kids experience and there's to have, but as a parent, like the way Matt and I went about stuff is to just be excited about everything and to talk really positively about it and to speak really positively to the kids about the privileges of being an older sibling, um, and how that's a really exciting, fun thing, and I feel like that's been really successful and they were excited and it's a fun thing.
Speaker 2:It was just a lot of talking to them before the baby got here and our oldest was like, wanted to like make him stuff and I remember we did a a little gift from the baby to them much earlier on that like kept it a little more, I don't know, built a little bit of rapport I think is maybe a good way to put it before baby got here. But in general they were really excited and really like even our, our toddler, a younger one.
Speaker 1:He was either really excited or generally indifferent, not nothing hostile um, I'm going to transition from that to how to deal with the guilt from not being able to give older kids the same amount of attention. I might might be a bad mom. I don't struggle with that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean the attention you don't give them.
Speaker 1:They're going to have a sibling, Like I was an only child, yeah, in the household was an only child in the household and I don't remember like ever having my parents full attention for extended periods of time Like I. I don't know. When people ask that. It always makes me wonder, I guess, what other people's lifestyles are like and how much engaged time are you giving your child, and all that Because I feel like I've still been able to do Independent time. I feel like I've still been able to do independent time with the kids. You've been home. That's a huge difference. I express that to moms all the time.
Speaker 2:It requires having some extra hands on that to be able to give them individual attention at the same level, but if they have different naptimes there are opportunities.
Speaker 1:I feel like attention at the same level, but like if they have different naptimes, like there are opportunities.
Speaker 1:I feel like I also think that's the part that confuses me, because I get asked questions that I feel like are such different sides of the scale, because people that I'm talking to and they're different people. I understand that, but it seems to be kind of like there are two different categories of people and I don't fall into either of them. There are people who have help from family, from whoever it may be, like their mother-in-law, their mom, a sibling, whatever that is there those first couple of weeks, being that extra pair of hands, and then they also have their partner. And then there are people who are doing it like their partners back to work immediately and, uh, they're completely on their own and I feel like my experience isn't going to resonate with either of those groups of people, because neither are our situation. Like, you really are my support person through everything and you're able to be there and I think it's such a unique experience because a lot of people who are having it be their mother-in-law or their mom, um, that's a different relationship than a father.
Speaker 2:Sure.
Speaker 1:Or like another parent, like I don't struggle with a lot of guilt asking.
Speaker 2:Me to hang out with your kids.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly Like, it's not like. Oh well, they spent a week and a half with grandma. It's like oh well, they spent four hours with their dad, like that's their other. Do you know what?
Speaker 2:I mean, like I feel like I have a hard time answering it. No, that, that totally makes sense I was, I wasn't totally following where you're going, but, yes, like the help that they get with me is not it's still from a parent yeah, it's still our family unit.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That is yeah, yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
Speaker 1:And that's a very different. And then the moms that are talking to me, that it is only them. I'm like I don't, you are under supported and I'm sorry, like that's the only answer I can give because there's no magic. That's not how it should be.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if it's something that helps you reframe again like you're bringing another person that as they get older, those kids will be able to give each other attention, they will be able to play with one another. Like I don't know that a kid is supposed to have undivided parental attention for their whole childhood, like just locked in. Like I think that kind of builds a really hard precedent like for the world and everything else to follow up with.
Speaker 1:Well, and I I'm on the side of TikTok where people are debating, um, if it's wrong to have an only child, and my answer is no, I don't think it's wrong to have an only child. I think that, um, every family is different, every parent is different, and for you to be the best parent possible to the children that you have, you need to take into consideration what you can handle, and if that's what you know about yourself, hell yeah. Um, but I also am an only child to my mother and I'm the only child that grew up in my house, and my mom had fertility um issues Like she would have loved to have you know another child.
Speaker 1:She didn't. It wasn't an option. I don't hold resentment toward my mom, toward my parents whatsoever, being an only Um, but at the same time I was really lonely. The same time I was really lonely, I'm still really lonely and I lack traditional family dynamics severely from being an only and I. So I struggle holding those things at the same time.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So the undivided parental attention didn't like that. Wasn't some asset that you were set up for success with later?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:It was like, okay, like you got more attention from a parent, possibly, but you didn't have a, I want to say, coworker. That's not right at all.
Speaker 1:Partner in crime is what came to my mind. Way better than coworker.
Speaker 2:It's not a job to be a child, but like you, don't have a peer.
Speaker 1:Well, the beautiful thing about siblings and not all sibling dynamics are this way Like people obviously bring in their own, just like I am right now, like when I'm talking about being an only child, like I'm talking about my experience that being an only child like I'm talking about my experience that doesn't mean being an only child can not be a great experience. Yeah, but I really always admired that when people had siblings and their parents fostered strong sibling and family dynamics really important point there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's all about how you handle however many kids you have.
Speaker 1:It gives you somebody to go through life with not necessarily like a built-in friend, I don't mean that but it's somebody who experienced your parents.
Speaker 2:Yeah, nobody knows what it was like growing up in your house better than your siblings.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Like my brother and I aren't always close, like we've gone through seasons of up and down and like still I mean still brothers still love each other. But like how much we talk and how close we are varies but there's still nobody that knows better what our childhood looked like.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Even if they were from different perspectives, even if we had different feelings about it, it was like no, they were from different perspectives. Even if we had different feelings about it. It was like no, we were both there. And so there is something about that that, uh, as you get older is you can't really replicate and so for me.
Speaker 1:I was so desperate to give my my daughter, like I was so desperate to give G a sibling like that was so important to me. Um. It doesn't mean they'll be best friends. It doesn't not mean that they'll get along.
Speaker 2:It does not mean and if we weren't in a place where we were like, felt like we could take on having kids, it would not have been a good idea to add a sibling at that time 100.
Speaker 1:But I think that that really I don't struggle with the guilt the way other people do. I imagine a lot of people who struggle with the guilt are people who felt neglected or felt like they weren't given enough attention as a child. Maybe not. Maybe you feel like your childhood was perfect and you're just worried about that, which is also bad.
Speaker 2:I also wonder if a lot of those feelings don't come up until later, when your kids are older, when they have a like, a cognition of like. Where am I falling in the pecking order? Like where, who is getting attention? What is going on Like I? Our kids are really small. I don't know that. They are like, they have those feelings and they compete with each other for attention, but I don't know if they feel that they have the same loaded opinions around it from this stage. It's like as they get older. Yes, you're going to have to really make efforts to communicate with your kids and balance these things and build individual relationships with all of these kids. That will be important, but it's not just like you had a second kid and now those two relationships are 50 of what they could have been had you only had one, so okay.
Speaker 1:Uh, somebody asked was there a medical reason to induce or elective? I think, think technically I'm still elective. I've gotten induced at 41 weeks because my doctor really prefers to not go past the 41 week mark. Um, and from my again, not a peer reviewer not a researcher, not a professional not a medical anything.
Speaker 1:Um, but from the reading that I've done, I understand why people go past 41 weeks and wait to go into spontaneous labor, support you and what decision you make with your medical team. Um, the 41 week marks where I'm like you know, we're not gonna keep waiting it out well, again, also not a doctor, but like up to 41 weeks it's pretty minimal risk, obviously, you're you're having checkups and all this stuff that like makes sure things are going the way they should be going.
Speaker 2:But between 41 and 42, like some risks start to increase.
Speaker 1:And then past 42, you're like really pretty far along Past 42, most research says, oh, this is getting risky. Yeah, like you're rolling some dice here yeah in terms of like placenta working and lots of stuff like that, like the kid is getting big and developed yeah, what do I actually need to pack in my hospital bag for me baby and dad? You don't need to pack for dad, he can pack for himself.
Speaker 2:Ew, no dad needs to pack a set of clothes yeah, dad needs to pack for himself.
Speaker 1:That's probably really judgmental sounding. It was really judgmental. I don't know why that irks me so bad you really do I like my sister packs for her whole family when they travel and stuff and I it well. One part of why it irks me is can you imagine how pissed you would be having to work from a bag I packed for you?
Speaker 2:yeah like.
Speaker 1:Think about how angry you would be hey, where's these socks?
Speaker 2:like these shorts don't work without these socks. What?
Speaker 1:is this like?
Speaker 2:you would be.
Speaker 1:I have a lot of opinions, so I'm not the person to pack for well I think, I think a lot of the guys that get packed for have a lot of opinions maybe, but I think there's a lot of guys who just like whatever their wife packed for them, that's what they're wearing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like I think there's a lot of people that don't have a lot of feelings on it, I have feelings about what I'm wearing.
Speaker 1:That's crazy to me. Anyway, that's not the point of this question and I know that. Anyway, sorry, that's a personal problem, that's a personal problem. That's a personal issue that I have Also. Love my sister, love her husband, not an issue with them. It works for them. It works for some people.
Speaker 2:For sure.
Speaker 1:It just blows my mind. You want me to run through it, dad.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. A set of clothes, some toiletries. Bring a lot of snacks. It doesn't hurt to have a bunch of snacks there like yeah, I agree to not be at the mercy of what the hospital food is or like when. When things are available, bring a ton of snacks, bring your chargers for your phone.
Speaker 1:I'd say bring a couple sets of clothes, because most people are at the hospital longer than we are for sure.
Speaker 2:But yeah, just just bring pack as though you're gonna be there for two nights.
Speaker 1:Don't pack crazy, you don't have to leave the room.
Speaker 2:Yeah, bring like a pair of pants and a couple shirts and a cut like don't, don't go, nuts, you don't need like four full outfits.
Speaker 1:But no, as a mom I don't really exit my like. I wear a robe the whole time. So I wear the hospital gown, really the first, probably 24. And then, when I feel comfortable enough, I will change into PJs and a robe.
Speaker 2:You did a video on your bag.
Speaker 1:I stay in that the whole time. For baby minimal video on your bag. I stay in that the whole time. Uh, for baby minimal. Uh, if there's an outfit you want to take pictures in, or like a swaddle you want for pictures, great, and you can even have that be your going home outfit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, uh, you really don't need much no, I mean they're prepared for, like, if you end up in the hospital randomly, they have what you need to keep going. They have stuff for the baby, these swaddles, all that like that stuff as a mom, I like to pack diapers pack it for you for mom, not oh diapers for you got it
Speaker 1:yeah, I was like they definitely have diapers to the hospital no, yeah, don't bring, you don't need to bring baby diapers to the hospital, um, but I like to have, because they do, the mesh underwear with a pad. I hate that. It's so uncomfortable, in my opinion. I prefer to purchase, um, like just whatever diapers from the store for women um.
Speaker 2:That's much more comfortable, in my opinion yeah, yeah, bring a blanket and pillow will keep you comfortable, that they have sheets and whatever and all that stuff, but you don't have to go crazy.
Speaker 1:Somebody said what's the best thing your community can do to help?
Speaker 2:Best thing. I mean, I think that the most available thing for, like a normal community of people that's around you is food, like taking some of that planning off your plate. If you're talking about, like, what can I do for someone in my community, like, can you help them pick up their house? Can you, if they have multiple kids, can you watch older kids for a short period of time, or like it's it's more about helping around so that they can spend time with baby, so that they can have some of the executive function of their home off their plate for a little bit.
Speaker 2:I think that's really the biggest bit is like, can you support in that stuff? Like coming to hold the baby is not a real support. That's for you, not for them.
Speaker 1:My best friend. One of my best friends was actually brought us dinner this weekend and was ticked when she got here and Matt had done all the dishes. We have a two-parent like at-home household, so it's a different dynamic and I feel like this time that was a huge thing we prepped for, as I was like. The executive function of this house cannot be falling apart I need focus, can't be like yeah I need things picked up.
Speaker 1:That was the number one thing I told matt. I said, above all else, like I want my kids taken care of. That's my number one thing. But second is I want this house picked up. I want the start of the day, the counter to be clear, things to be put away, the sink to be empty, dishes to be done.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And Matt was like got it, and he has been running this household that way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if it falls apart, I try to reset it at night. Yes, that's really the biggest thing.
Speaker 1:But dishes have been done, blankets folded, pillows fluffed like we're getting critical on laundry.
Speaker 2:That's where we're in the laundry.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I did I did notice that yeah I didn't have a lot of clean pjs and clean, but I didn't say anything because it's been the focus, it hasn't gotten done well, you've been really running the other stuff, so I I didn't feel up, I wasn't like what the hell?
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:Um, but I did know. Today was the first time I noticed it, though.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was looking for like I said, we're at critical levels.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It's not a disaster yet, but soon.
Speaker 1:Um, okay, I have two more, actually that. I'm going to hit because I like both of these. One how to set boundaries with in-laws or parents for visiting.
Speaker 2:Um, some of it like we're not. We're not great at it, but I think the best thing you can do is discuss it beforehand, before baby's here, before everyone's really excited, set expectations um I hate hurting people like I.
Speaker 1:I it's uh one of those things where our families, honestly, are pretty respectful of what we tell them in terms of action for the most part, but uh we're not always the best at telling them well, they are not. Uh, not that I think you should have to hide your feelings, but like I think a postpartum mom's not necessarily the best place to uh share your sad feelings. Like does that make sense? So like when I'd be? Like well, we need a few more days. Or, you know, oh, okay, well, we were hoping that.
Speaker 2:Like yeah, it's disappointing, but like we understand, we understand as soon as I hear disappointing.
Speaker 1:I'm like, oh, we'll figure it out, not because, they're, and they're not trying to even. Yeah, they're just being honest, you know, and I don't.
Speaker 2:There is something to be said to like venting or expressing feelings to the people that you have the feelings about is not always a productive or healthy dynamic to keep. But, yeah, set the expectations early, communicate them. But, um, yeah, set the expectations early, communicate them like and when you do it early, the the more you can be like we need this time to recover. We have this plan going forward and then also like we have a plan to bring people in now if they're offering support, like you can structure a plan around that kind of thing. But really it's just communicating it clearly and like setting expectations, I think, as soon as reasonable um, you know, I'm not.
Speaker 1:I'm not good at any of that. Uh, do you come up with names before meeting them, or have they ever not fit?
Speaker 2:I mean, we we usually have a short list. This time I feel like we really kind of landed on kessler pretty early like I don't know we had a list.
Speaker 1:I couldn't tell you what really else was on it um nothing you liked yeah, well, I guess we had that problem a lot this time yeah matt and I are not on the same vibe for boy names.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:At all.
Speaker 2:Doesn't seem to be.
Speaker 1:I love the name. Bellamy Hates it. I was so excited to see Emily Kaiser use Theodore because love the name Theodore. Matt said it wasn't.
Speaker 2:Theodore's grown on me. To be quite honest, Theodore's okay.
Speaker 1:But he told me, not for our child. I'm not in love with Theodore's grown on me, to be quite honest, like Theodore's okay, but he told me not for our child.
Speaker 2:I'm not in love with Theodore as a name, but like I think it's so great and classic. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Uh, anyway, we really we had a hard time.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:We have a really hard time with boy names for sure. But uh, yeah, we go in with a list uh, with r we went rogue. Yeah, we had a.
Speaker 1:We had a number one contender and we pivoted uh to a name on the that that actually his name was on my uh girl list, not my boy list yeah, it was like a supplemental it wasn't on my boy name list at all. No, but I handed you after he was born, both the lists were next to each other and I, like handed you my phone. I was like here, like you know, because we weren't feeling confident about the number one boy name we went in with.
Speaker 1:We were gonna name him booker booker um boden was a possibility yeah, and then, uh, matt went rogue, I liked it, yeah, and we, you had it on the list and I was like, well, this totally could be a boy name.
Speaker 2:Do you like this name? Uh-huh, and I did you did and I was like, okay, well, like let's do that. I like rory, yeah, so so yeah, just won the Masters Rory McIlroy did.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he did.
Speaker 2:His namesake.
Speaker 1:Not his namesake, just wanted to be a professional golfer.
Speaker 2:That's all We'll. Dodgeboard of the week and whatnot. We'll keep it all question-based. This week, somebody asked me a question Is it actually important to separate lights from darks in laundry? Why, also, whats in laundry? Why, also, what products to use are?
Speaker 1:Is what guys separate your laundry One Even. I know that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you didn't. You used to not do it, you used to just but it's not because I didn't know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you were aware of it as a concept and also when stuff was new, like if I bought something new, that was blue or red or like I would wash it separately. First, because I understood the reasoning.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah so.
Speaker 1:It was laziness for me.
Speaker 2:They also asked what do we use? Our clothes wear out so fast. I was taught to separate my laundry lights, darks and whites. I was taught to separate my laundry lights, darks and whites. You can. You know whites are a little bit of a spectrum in terms of like how that works. But especially when you have now we have a family of five, having your laundry divided up like gives you approachable sizes of loads. If you only have one washing machine Like, I don't know how you would even do. I like that. You approachable sizes of loads. If you only have one washing machine like I don't know how you would even do I like that.
Speaker 2:You said that, like it's common well, like there's some people that have two washers and that cannot be the majority of people we're talking to absolutely I don't know anyone well that's not true?
Speaker 1:I can think of one person I know that like.
Speaker 2:Unless you have a commercial washing machine, how are you even washing everything all at once? In which case, why not separate them by color?
Speaker 1:To better care for your clothes.
Speaker 2:Because I separate by color. Again, if they're brand new, I make sure that whatever I'm washing is either on its own or with clothes that are a very similar color or black clothes that are a very similar color or like black. Be like this is dark jeans, black stuff and a red sweatshirt I just bought. I'm not really worried about the dye going into any of that other stuff. When you have new clothes or clothes that leach dye um washing all your colors and lights and stuff together, it can bleed. It doesn't happen all the time, like lots of people don't separate their stuff very thoroughly and they don't have an issue.
Speaker 1:But a lot of that's poly fabrics. Cause also that, if you're wearing a lot of plastic. Plastic doesn't always take color the same way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but if it does, good luck getting it out.
Speaker 1:I will tell you that you're not gonna get it um, it doesn't go away but I'm gonna note that too before matt continues.
Speaker 1:Um, a lot of our clothes last for a really long time because we in like are not crazy particular. There are people who are a lot more particular um, but we do pay attention to what materials, what, uh, like quality fabrics and like it doesn't just come down to it being 100 cotton or like you can have really shitty 100 cotton garments and you can have really well constructed 100 cotton garments, um, and we do pay attention to that stuff when purchasing I I also try to follow the tags.
Speaker 2:Now, over time you will learn, kind of like what. I know this stuff says not to dry. I know this stuff says tumble dry low. I know this stuff is like do whatever you want to it. I try to follow the tags. I try to like if they tell me not to dry something, I try not to dry it. I don't dry most of the things that are even marginal because if you don't have to have it, I don't dry most of the things, uh, that are even marginal, because if you don't have to have it dry right away, it stuff just lasts longer when you um don't put heat on it, air dry it and don't put it's just like taking care of your hair if you're a woman with
Speaker 1:long hair, yeah people try to minimize heat on their hair because it makes their hair healthier, longer. Same thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so dry it as little as possible. And then the same person had a follow-up question two weeks later Are your kids baptized? If not, do you plan to baptize them? Or how does that future look for your family, do you think?
Speaker 1:No, our kids aren't baptized. No we will not be baptizing our children we're not religious.
Speaker 2:I'm not baptized really my religion is like that. I grew up in believed in adult baptism, and by the time I got to that point I was, uh, apathetic at best yeah, I was baptized as a baby.
Speaker 1:yeah, um, I uh, yeah, no, I mean, if they want to get baptized when they're Um, I uh, yeah, no, I mean if they want to get baptized when they're older and they are um.
Speaker 2:I believe there's an avenue for baptism in pretty much every faith, at any age.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, I don't believe in making any kinds of those choices for my children. No those choices will be theirs as they get older and as they learn what resonates best with them.
Speaker 2:For sure. But they'll have to understand the concept of baptism by the time that happens for them.
Speaker 1:We've been to baptisms for friends children?
Speaker 2:Yeah, but, like I said, even I'm not baptized I didn't know.
Speaker 1:I think I. I think actually that's the second time of me going. I didn't know that because I, now that you're saying it, I'm like I think last time you said that I went, I didn't know that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so sorry I don't walk around advertising it, I guess.
Speaker 1:No, I know and it's not something I really like, you know in our personal system. It's not something that's really valuable to us individually.
Speaker 2:If that is the dividing line, I guess I'm going to hell.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's what did it.
Speaker 2:You'll be there. If that's what did it, I guess.
Speaker 1:If you go down with our kids.
Speaker 2:Bummer. Yeah, it'll just be me and the squad.
Speaker 1:But I got baptized. You went up yeah.
Speaker 2:So good on you, but I got baptized. You went up, yeah, so I? I don't.
Speaker 1:I have a really hard time with the idea that that's the um thread.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know, but it's tough, we shall see.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:Uh, any other?
Speaker 2:that's no those were.
Speaker 1:I thought that was a little bit oh yeah, well, um, yeah, everything's oh yeah Well, yeah, yeah, everything's good here. I feel like, yeah, we're doing good. We're definitely in the season where things are heightened and I'm definitely a little all over the place, but you got questions for the next one.
Speaker 2:Shoot them into the text. Shoot us an email.
Speaker 1:I didn't get through checking emails today, but um and we do post weekly. So if you want to subscribe to the patreon, it's four dollars a month. We do post weekly there.
Speaker 2:Um so if you are sick of only hearing us once a month, and if you ask us a question and want us to answer it on the monthly yeah, note that just just shoot us a note and we'll we'll save it for the monthly yeah but all right guys appreciate it. Bye.